


Choke Down the Feeling

by cherrywhine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Coda, Episode AU: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Hand Jobs, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:34:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27754657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrywhine/pseuds/cherrywhine
Summary: “I never found an answer, because the one thing I want - ” Dean wants to reach for Cas, to hold him, to touch him in these last moments he might ever have with him. But he just blinks, a ravenous empty feeling taking shelter in his stomach.“- is something i know i can’t have.” Despite the weight of his words and the tears rolling down each cheek, Cas smiles.-Or where Dean and Cas reunite in heaven. Dean doesn’t ask how Cas got out of the empty - he’s too busy focusing on breathing. It’s a little angsty, because Dean is a man with many repressed feelings that Cas wants to hear about. Smutty happy ending, because 15 seasons of unresolved sexual tension leaves a lot to be desired.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 62





	Choke Down the Feeling

“Why does this feel like a goodbye?”

“Because it is.”

-

Dean hasn’t seen Cas since the confession; since the Empty took such a big part of his life away in just a few seconds. When Cas said the three little words, Dean’s heart started beating faster. His friendship with Cas was different than his friendship with everyone else, but he could never put a finger on it until that moment.

Cas staring into Dean’s eyes, almost staring through him. Like he was searching for that feeling of happiness inside of Dean.

“I wondered what it could be, what my true happiness could even look like,” Dean is barely keeping the tears at bay when Cas says this. Dean knows that Cas, more than anyone else on this Earth, deserves happiness, and to think that he hasn’t ever found it, especially not in their decade of companionship, tears at Dean’s heart like wheels of a car ripping on bitumen. He blinks at Cas. Dean, with all of his snarky comebacks and relentless teasing, has nothing he could say to Cas in this moment that would fix this whole situation. Nothing that would shake the feeling of a forever goodbye poking it’s head around the corner. With each tear that rolls down Cas’ face, Dean sends a prayer to whoever is listening to please not let Cas leave him right now. To not let Cas leave him ever.

“I never found an answer, because the one thing I want - ” Dean wants to reach for Cas, to hold him, to touch him in these last moments he might ever have with him. But he just blinks, a ravenous empty feeling taking shelter in his stomach.

“- is something i know i can’t have.” Despite the weight of his words and the tears rolling down each cheek, Cas smiles. He knows that Dean knows what he means. Dean knows Cas knows that he knows. It’s been like this for years, but neither of them have ever had the balls to say it. Dean feels shaky and nauseous. He doesn’t ever want to think about a world without Cas. He’d spend a million years in Hell if he could spend one more day here with Cas, he thinks. The air is heavy with the tension of forbidden love; Cas can taste it on his tongue. Dean doesn’t say anything, but Cas never expected him to. Cas knows, deep down, that Dean loves him. He doesn’t need Dean to say it, but that doesn’t stop him from wanting to hear it. He wants to look away, to save Dean some heartache, to catch his own breath without Dean hearing him choke down his tears. He doesn’t.

-

“I love you.” Cas hopes Dean understands that it means _I’m in love with you, I have been for years, I know you’re hurt and broken and being a hunter has given you layers of trauma you never want to unpack, I know that I love you all the same, I know you know it too, I know you won’t say it back, I don’t want you to, In my last moments I was thinking of you, I wish I could spend these next seconds, minutes, hours relishing in the feeling of knowing you know, I know I’ll miss you more than I should, I would do it all over again for you, I’ve dreamt of you every night since I met you, I’m in love with you_.

Dean knew Cas would say it. He doesn’t think he can say it back; he can barely remind himself to keep breathing. It feels like his entire world is violently shaking and cracking and falling at incredible speeds down around him, leaving a heavy feeling on his heart that he knows is regret. How can he live without Cas? Why did he waste so much time hating himself? Laying in bed at night wishing he would just disappear, let everybody else live their lives without the disappointment he carries with him. Let everyone move on. He could’ve spent that time with Cas - truly with him.

When Cas touches his shoulder, Dean wants Cas to let go, to pretend like nothing is wrong, to have everything go back to the way it was. But even more, Dean wants Cas to hold him, to touch him in other places, to kiss him like he’s dreamt of, even with Death knocking at the door. He wants to hold Cas’ face in his hands, to feel his dewy, textured skin under his fingertips. He wants it so badly he might cry. And he does. He cries until Cas is gone, and until Sam finds him on the floor hugging his knees to his chest, screaming Cas’ name, his shirt wet, his heart lost forever in the Empty with Cas. He cries everyday afterwards, looking in the mirror at the broken man left behind, feeling numb and guilty that Cas sacrificed his existence forever for such a beaten, fragmented excuse of a human. He feels as though the only time he doesn’t cry is when he should: when Sam sees him on the floor again, this time impaled, knowing this will be another goodbye.

-

When Dean sees Cas in heaven, he can’t move. It’s a bright white all around, but when he locks eyes with Cas they’re back in the bunker. He doesn’t breathe, he doesn’t walk towards him, run faster than he thought he ever could, reuniting likes he’s dreamt every night since the goodbye. Cas is smiling, like he always was. Dean is crying already, an ugly cry that causes sobs to wrack his body, like a stutter that never ceases.

Cas is walking towards him leisurely in a way that suggests he knows he has forever with Dean, because he does.

Cas is only a few inches away when he stops. His eyes meet Dean’s, which are filled with tears, and he wonders if Dean can even see through them. They stay there for what feels like hours, feeding off of each others aura’s, bathing in the feeling of being close again. Dean is the one who speaks first.

“I-“ He begins, his voice shaky and broken, and he thinks this is fucking Heaven, why is my voice still breaking?!. He takes a deep breath, as if he’s trying to suck courage from the air around him in order to say what he needs to. “I didn’t say it back, Cas.”

Cas smiles a sad smile and breaks the eye contact. He’s not sure if Dean is saying this as an explanation or a confession. He looks towards the ground, letting his eyes trail back up as he speaks.“I never wanted you to feel like you had to, Dean.”

It’s another few minutes before anyone moves again. This time, it’s Cas. He lifts his arm and lets his hand reach for Dean’s cheek, extending his fingertips along the soft, wet skin. He moves slowly, giving Dean ample time to pull away if he wants, still cautious of being rejected. As Cas is sliding his fingers over Dean’s stubble, Dean leans into his hand, a weak smile falling on his face. Cas’ heart swells with hope and love.

Dean has this feeling inside of him that he’s never felt before. He’s frantic to feel Cas, all over, to touch everything he never got to touch on Earth and to experience everything he never let himself experience. He’s so frantic, but he can’t move. He feels trapped in Cas’ gaze, the relaxing blue keeping him upright. He’s sure he looks crazy right now, he’s leaning so hard Cas is having to push against his cheek. He’s still crying, huffing and puffing and choking on his own breath. His chest is rising and falling so fast it looks like he’s just run a marathon. And then, in less than a second, Dean rushes forward, still crying, pressing his lips against Cas’ with such force Cas staggers backwards. It’s a timid kiss; closed-mouth, stagnant. Cas draws his hands up to Dean’s face, feeling Dean wrap his own hands around Cas’ waist. His eyes flutter open as he feels Dean’s lips begin to fall off his own, sliding down his chin. Dean’s eyes are still closed, his eyebrows knitted together and his face holding inordinate amounts of tension. Cas feels Dean go almost limp in his arms, moving one arm around his waist to hold him up. Cas’ body is still electric from the kiss as feels Dean’s wet cheeks press into his neck, just moments before another sob wracks Dean’s body.

Cas runs his hands through Dean’s hair in an attempt to comfort him, letting his fingertips dance in Dean’s spiky locks. Dean’s face is still pressed deep into Cas’ neck when he begins to talk, so deep that he can barely hear him.

“I never let myself feel anything when we were on Earth. I was so scared of what my life could’ve been like that I never let myself live it.”

Cas thinks there’s more, but Dean pauses for a reply. “What do you mean, Dean?”

“I think you know what I mean.”

“I know you think letting yourself feel this way is wrong, or bad, or will only lead to myself being put in danger. We’re not on Earth anymore, Dean. You’ve got no one to live for but yourself, now. Forget what other people wanted for you and let yourself feel.” Cas hears Dean sniffling in a pointless attempt to compose himself. “Don’t hide yourself from me, please, Dean.”

Dean pulls away from Cas slowly, his arms still around him, their noses almost touching. He’s going a bit cross-eyed trying to look Cas in the eye. His cheeks are wet and his eyes are red and he’s sure he probably has snot everywhere, but he doesn’t care. If he doesn’t say it now he might not get another chance. He doesn’t want to risk feeling the guilt-ridden pain ever again.

Cas smiles gently when Dean meets his eyes. He think he looks beautiful, as always. His eyelashes are stuck together and his cheeks are flushed and he’s still sniffling quietly. Cas moves his hand from Dean’s hair to the side of his neck, his thumb resting in front of Dean’s ear, rubbing his cheek comfortingly.

“I’m nervous.” Dean admits in an exhausted half-laugh, playing with the hair on the back of Cas’ neck. Cas grins. His heart is so full with the possibility of feeling Dean love him back that he forgets to reply. Dean breathes in, and Cas does too. He knows what Dean is about to say, but the tension in the air is so strong that he feels like he needs to hold his breath.

“I’m in love with you, Cas. You know I have been for a long time. I-“ He sniffles again, taking his hand away from Cas’ waist for a moment to wipe his cheeks clear of tears again. Cas exhales and his face breaks out into a stunning grin. “I’m so, so sorry I didn’t say it before, I’m so sorry for being stupid and insecure and I love you. So much that it has me crying like a fucking baby. I never wanted you to feel like I didn’t want to say it back, but I just couldn’t say it then.”

Cas is grinning so wide that his cheeks hurt, nodding so Dean continues.

“I wasted so much time trying to deny how I felt about you. God, I wasted so much time.” He laughs, the weight on his chest releasing.

Cas’ chuckles, “We wasted so much time. But it led us to this moment. So we didn’t waste anything, really, because now we get to figure out this crazy thing together.” Dean laughs a little. Cas was always the optimist in the friendship, even after death it seems.

It’s silent for a few minutes, but the air is calm. The walls of the bunker are strong around the two men, holding their little bubble of happiness tight.

“I used to have sex dreams about you a lot.” Dean blurts out, cheeks red but trying to play it cool. He’s filled with such happiness he doesn’t know how to handle it. He doesn’t even know why he was crying before. He’s just never allowed himself to feel emotions this strong before. He feels Cas tense up a little under his touch, but he’s mumbling adoringly within seconds.

“Of course you did. I already knew, of course. When I was an angel, I could smell it on you. I didn’t think they were about me, though.” Cas’ eyes flutter back up to meet Dean’s. “I hoped they were about me.”

This is enough for Dean to feel the blood rush to his crotch. Dean is turned on, he’s not going to lie, and he thinks Cas is too. His cheeks are dry and he’s absolutely beaming with happiness, and he can’t help but lean in and press his lips to Cas’ again.

This kiss is so differently from the first one that Cas gasps a little. Soft lips, nibbles, laughing into each other’s mouths. Dean is definitely leading the kiss, his lips moving hastily against Cas’. He lets his tongue wander over Cas’ lips, then his teeth, and then his tongue. It’s a soft and playful kiss when it begins, but it soon turns into something intoxicating.

Cas pulls back to smile at Dean, and in seconds Dean has leant forward and caught Cas’ lip between his teeth. Cas opens his mouth in surprise, and Dean kisses him slowly and deeply, letting his hand move from Cas’ waist over his hips and to his ass, where it grabs gently.

Dean has a fire in his chest and Cas feels it burning, drinking it up through Dean’s lips. When Dean grabs his ass, Cas almost growls approvingly into the kiss, but manages the last sliver of self control.

He feels Dean’s entire body pressing against him: they’re chest to chest, arms scrambling, thigh to thigh, and, most importantly and certainly most excitingly, crotch to crotch. Cas can feel Dean’s cock, already half-hard, pressing against his own, and he moans loudly into the kiss.

Dean absolutely loses it.

If he was slowly and deliberate before, he’s a wild animal now. He’s grinding against Cas’ thigh, letting his own thigh slip between Cas’ legs. He wants to feel Cas on him. He’s dreamt of this moment for so long, but he’s drowning in it, and he can’t think of anything else except Cas’ lips on his.

When Dean begins grinding on Cas, and he feels Dean’s thigh against his dick, he can’t help but tilt his head back and moan. Dean moves quickly to suck and nibble on Cas’ neck, causing shivers to run down Cas’ back and arms. He’s fully hard now, and he knows Dean feels it. He looks into Dean’s eyes as he releases Cas’ neck, and he tries to tell Dean touch me but it doesn’t come out.

When Cas looks at him, his eyes hold so much lust, love, and also general horniness that Dean almost combusts. He’d definitely describe them as fuck me eyes.

They’re panting together now. Dean takes off his shirt and orders Cas to do the same. “Off!”

Cas obeys and waits for Dean’s next instruction. With Cas standing in front of him, lips swollen from kissing, neck adorned with his hickeys, cock hard in his jeans, Dean feels content. He’s waited his whole life to find someone who looks at him this way. To think he was there, beside him, for so long makes him shiver with regret, and then shiver again with anticipation for what is about to come. (Literally)

He kneels down slowly, maintaining eye contact with Cas as he reaches forward and undoes Cas’ belt. He does it slow, brushing his hand against Cas’ cock through his jeans, wanting Cas to beg for it. After about 30 seconds, Cas is whining and grinding forward slightly. He grumbles a little and then sighs, “Please, Dean.”

Dean smirks a little and undoes Cas’ zipper, pulling the jeans to his knees. Cas steps out of them wobbly, like he needs Dean’s touch to keep him upright. Cas’ underwear are wet from precome, and Dean hums at the sight, causing Cas to blush.

“I-I’m sorry - You know I didn’t get up to much on Earth. I’m a bit pathetic, I know.”

“Shh.” Dean hates hearing Cas say things like that about himself, but he knows he’s just teasing. Dean thinks about Cas on Earth, an angel, writhing to have sex but setting for his own hand. He can only think of one or two times Cas might’ve ever actually had sex. He wants to make Cas feel good - good enough to make up for the years of painful celibacy.

Dean brings his mouth towards Cas’ bulge and exhales a hot breath that hits Cas through this underwear, making him shiver. Dean bites his lip and begins to remove Cas’ underwear, seconds away from seeing his most-dreamt-about cock ever.

Cas’ dick is rock hard and springs up when released from his underwear. He has precome nestled at his slit, dripping slowly down his shaft. Dean almost drools at the slight, thinking about how he made Cas like this. The air feels hot around him, and he wonders if the bunker’s walls are responsible or if it’s Cas’ undoubtedly aroused body in front of him.

He takes the tip of Cas’ cock in his mouth, swirling his tongue around and around, exhaling warmly. Cas is shivering, his cock throbbing, his fingers gripping the base of Dean’s hair follicles so hard his scalp turns white. Cas is oddly quiet, so quiet that if Dean didn’t know any better he’d think he was shy. Cas is breathing so heavy now, gasping and growling and rocking his hips forward as Dean swallows him down deep.   
  


Dean’s never sucked a dick before, but he’s had his sucked many, many times, so he’s just reenacting the shit that made him go crazy. He sunk his mouth all the way to the base of Cas’ cock and then moaned softly, eliciting a wild response from Cas. Cas’ knees are shaking as Dean glances up at him with his nose nestled in Cas’ curly pubes. Cas’ head is hung back, his eyes rolling back in his head, and Dean might cum from the sight alone. He’s never seen Cas in such a raw, natural state. With no grace, Dean thinks Cas fucks like an animal. And he loves it.

Cas is moaning louder and louder with every bob of Dean’s head, his fingers still pulling at his hair. “Dean,” 

Dean speeds up and feels Cas’ cock swell in his mouth. He lifts his fingers to play gently with Cas’ balls, and that seems to do it. With an animalistic growl, Cas is coming into Dean’s mouth, thick loads of white dripping down his throat. 

Dean swallows all of it. He vowed to never miss a spot, to make sure Cas knows he wants him, all of him. 

Cas’ chest is rising and falling hard. He thinks that’s the best orgasm he’s ever had, even though it was sloppy and wet and rushed. He looks down at Dean, his softening dick still in his mouth, and the sight alone almost makes him want to go for round two. Instead, he grips Dean’s cheeks and brings him up to stand, and tastes himself in Dean’s mouth. It’s salty and he doesn’t think it takes great, but it’s a raw kind of taste that makes him want to lick deep in Dean’s mouth to clean him of his own release.

They kiss messily, Cas still catching his breath, and Dean palming himself through his underwear. Watching Cas come almost put him over the edge, but not quite. He takes Cas’ hand and slips it in his underwear, and Cas is quick to begin jerking him off. Dean’s head falls to Cas’ shoulder as he starts seeing stars, trying to focus on the feeling of Cas’ hand on his cock rather than the immense love in his heart. Maybe he can focus on both. 

When Dean comes, white drops of his release land on Cas’ chest and hips. Dean is a little embarrassed, he’s shaking and relying completely on Cas to hold him upright, and he sees Cas reach a single finger to his chest, dragging slowly. Cas is staring at him longingly when Dean meets his eyes, lifting his finger to his mouth and tasting Dean.

It’s just as salty as his own, Cas thinks, but tastes _so much better_. Dean’s cheeks are blushed pink and he’s still panting when Cas kisses him again. It’s a quiet moment of sticky chests and fingers laced together, shallow breaths and smiles. Cas sighs contently, “I don’t know what to say.” 

Dean laughs a little, a fire in his eyes. “I’m fucking pumped to do that everyday for the rest of time.”

”I was hoping we could try something a little different next time,” Cas starts, “Hopefully including a bed.” 

Dean doesn’t respond; just smiles. This is everything he’s dreamt about and more. He’s gone through hell and back to get here, literally, and he wouldn’t want to be here with anyone else. Cas’ fingers rest gently in his hair, with the other hand cupping Dean’s cheek. It’s hard to tell how long they stay there like that, embracing eachother in the dim light of the bunker, love and lust glowing from each man. When you have forever on your hands, Dean supposes, there’s no rush to move. 

**Author's Note:**

> Not me being mad at the ending of spn and the whole bury your gays thing so I wrote an alternate ending
> 
> Anyway thank u for reading if you made it this far!! Pls give me feedback, this is my first destiel fic ive posted :)


End file.
